she woke up with a sticky ear
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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