He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I have aggressive nipples.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
