R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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