What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
