these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
