My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just pynch a tree in the face
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
