you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
