My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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