Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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