the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
3 2 1 whiskey
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
