I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
