So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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