do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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