I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
