just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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