I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize