And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
