Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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