I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
