you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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