I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
