That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
