New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
