i just wanna soil my oats bro
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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