onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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