I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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