Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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