her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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