I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
