I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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