Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I need moral support for this bender
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
