Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
