If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
