He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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