I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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