drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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