remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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