Someone shit on the floor
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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