So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
