I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
