You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i love accidental penises.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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