My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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