When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
