Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
