It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
