you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
