my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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