i already hear my dad disowning me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Everyone says I win the strip club
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