____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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