It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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