I accidentally had phone sex last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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