Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
