The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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