You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
