Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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