Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The Olympian is in my bed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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